Shortly after I fractured my skull at the end of 2019 I have struggled terribly with my mental health. Theres been some good times since then but overwhelmingly life has been miserable.
Even before this I hurt. but I didn't really realise it. i escaped the pain through illicit substances for a few years but all good things come to an end. the high I experienced during this period ended in a horrific inescapable low.
i don't really know where it went wrong. maybe I was always this way, maybe it was the drugs... but I hate myself so how is anyone else meant to like me? people have liked me for periods of time but once people find out who I really am... they stop liking me. i push most people away before this happens though. I'm not sure anyone has ever truly known me. Everyone says I'm not broken and that these 'symptoms' are treatable, but that's a big old load of horse excrement. I'm ducked up. I'm sick of pretending. i don't understand how everyone else does it. is everyone else as fucked up as me but manage to brush it aside? ill never know. but I cant deal with my own experiences any more.
I've been plagued with addiction as long as I can remember. I'm a slave to it. I hadn't considered closing the book until recently but the idea of not feeling this pain anymore seems quite sweet. to be free of the shame and the guilt and the judgement of being an addict. how am I supposed to enjoy this life when there is so much horror going on in the world?
I do feel slightly terrible for letting everyone down. but when you're so suicidal that you want to end your own life, its honestly quite hard to give a shit anymore. i know thisll hurt those around me but please just be glad that I'm no longer suffering. Those who believed in me... i appreciate you more than anything. i appreciate your efforts. but my mind isn't repairable. there's nothing you could've done. I'm a terribly toxic person who eventually hurts everyone. i tried my best to do good but its such an uphill struggle when there is so much wrong with society. i tried my best and the only thing I'm mad about is not joining the 27 club
it would be kind of interesting to watch the world continue to fall apart but maybe I can do that from afar once I'm gone. don't forget to play 'roll me up' at my funeral. thanks xox